OUCH! That has to hurt. When we realize, one way or another, that our wife hates us. Doesn’t matter if she says it to you in words or actions, you find out through a friend or family member or, in my case, you read her writing the most hateful things imaginable in her diary that you were compelled to read because everything was falling apart and she wasn’t talking.
No, it doesn’t really matter how we get to the point where we realize our wife hates us, it still hurts. And it hurts like hell…
Now, the first thing men usually do when they find out their wife has these feelings is, they begin to tiptoe around her, doing everything possible to make her hate him less. Or, they’ll start becoming “the perfect husband” who does everything around the house in order to appease her. Another option they choose is to begin hoovering around her, like a hummingbird, waiting, wanting, expecting some kind of validation that no, she doesn’t, in fact, hate him.
For one reason or another, these are the responses men believe will get their wife to stop hating him. Well men, it’s about time someone let you in on a boatload of truth. Those 3 responses are, in a word, wrong, wrong and wrong…
Stop Trying to Fix Her or the Relationship
When we find out our wife hates us, the first thing most men want to do is “fix it.” Being the results-oriented, kick-ass man I know you to be, not only do you want to fix it but, you want concrete steps, planned out in order, with a checklist to get it done as quickly as possible. Well, it doesn’t work that way. Women (or any other human for that matter) are not “problems” to be solved. Feelings are not something one can simply put through a process in order to change them.
No, if you want to fix your broken marriage, you need to stop with the actions listed above. Stop treating your wife as a problem to be solved or the relationship as something to be “worked on” like a weekend project and turn your attention to the only place you can actually make changes to. You.
How has this Happened
Now, before we get into why the 3 behaviors above are so wrong and before I discuss the best way to fix your broken marriage, we need to take a look at how, what was at the beginning a warm, loving, caring, passionate and sexual relationship, could end up like this. With you thinking your wife hates you.
More than 70% of divorces are initiated by the wife. Of those, it’s estimated that most women began planning their “escape” up to 2 years before dropping the bomb. Why is this? What is it that men are missing? There are many reasons this happens yet many of them boil down to the same or similar things, how you have shown up in the relationship. That truth being uncovered, it’s crucial to know some of the early warning signs that can possibly spur you to do the necessary work to get things turned around.
Signs Your Wife Hates You
Women are much more in tune with their feelings and emotions than men are. No, this isn’t a 100% rule but, generally, women are much more feeling than men. This leads to her feeling something is “off” or wrong long before the man has any clue that she’s feeling this way. There are some signs to look for so that you can become more aware before it’s too late. Now, some of these behaviors may not mean she hates you but, they are signs of disconnection and that, my friend, is not a road you want to begin to head down.
So, here’s a list of some of the things you should look for:
- She hardly talks to you about anything other than kids or logistics
- She focuses almost exclusively on herself
- You are not a priority to her at all
- She’s secretive, often engrossed in her phone
- She has set unreasonable boundaries or expectations on you
- She’s not affectionate in any way and sex is a distant memory
- She’s not sharing any of her feelings with you
- She’s almost always sour or grumpy around you, and mostly ONLY around you
- She doesn’t share, anything
- She gives you the silent treatment
- She doesn’t support you or even seem to care about your feelings
Now, some of these are obvious, some, less so but, amazingly enough, even the obvious ones often go missed by men. Why? That’s an interesting question and one that we’ll have to take in another post.
So, if you notice any or all of these behaviors, or others you’re certain fit into this pattern, what should you do or, perhaps more importantly, what should you not do or stop doing?
The Three Biggest Mistakes Men Make
At the start of this article, there were 3 behaviors I outlined, tiptoeing so as not to offend, becoming the “perfect husband” and hanging around her waiting for crumbs of approval, hummingbird. Let’s take a look at why these do way more harm than good when you believe your wife hates you.
When we realize the love is crumbling and our wife may, in fact, hate us, we think it’s because of a certain behavior, like, chewing loudly, burping out of place or any other of the 100’s of small things that make humans, well, human. While it’s true that some of our idiosyncrasies may make annoy her, it’s usually NOT these things that have caused your warm, loving, sexy, caring wife to check out and be none of those things. At least not to you.
But, we think it must be something we’re doing that annoys her so we stop. All of it! We make sure to chew with our mouths closed, save the belching and farting for when she’s out of earshot and generally try anything to not make her annoyed. Well, try this for a few days, tell me if it helps. She hasn’t stopped loving you because of how you chew or fart or burp. She’s stopped loving you, at least in her world, because of how she FEELS when she’s around you. And while yes, those things may annoy her and you may want to take a good look at your caveman behavior to see if you’ve lost any and all sense of decency around her, if she feels not in love with you anymore, becoming the perfect gentleman, will not do any good.
The Perfect Husband
Old fashioned roles in a partnership can be really detrimental to the long-term health of that relationship. There are no “places” where a man and woman should be. Men belong in the kitchen, raising the children and doing household chores just as much as women belong, well, wherever they want to be! Thinking that you are “helping out” when you do the dishes, vacuum or change the baby’s diaper is a quick path to a marriage filled with strife.
When you share a home, you share the duties that come with keeping that home clean, safe and in good shape. Now, maybe you love painting and your wife is Mrs. Clean. That’s fine if that’s what works for you in your marriage. But, when you call looking after your kids babysitting or when you think that doing the laundry is something you’re doing for her, your energy will create massive amounts of resentment in your partner.
So, when a man finds out his wife hates him, he starts looking to see what he can do around the house to make her love him again. He starts doing all of the things he should have been doing all along, and more. He becomes the version of a husband he’s been told women really want. One who goes out, earns a living, comes home, cooks, cleans, does the laundry OH, and then, works out has 6 pack abs and can make his woman cum just by looking at her. Sounds pretty unrealistic right?
Now, if you haven’t been pulling your weight and you know it, YES, now you need to begin doing that and, let’s be honest, you should have been doing it all along. However, and this is KEY, don’t do it to earn any kind of points, accolades or praise from her. You do it because that’s what a partner does in a partnership. He does it without being asked, without whining about it, he does it well and, most of all, he does it without the need for his wife to walk by him, pat him on the head and say “good boy” as he’s arm deep in warm, soapy water cleaning the pots and pans from the meal he just cooked.
Partnerships mean that both people take their fair share of the responsibilities. That may look different in every relationship but, going from doing nothing, to, all of a sudden, doing everything, will let her know that you’re only doing this to get something from her. In this case, to “make her love you again.”
Perhaps the least understood of the trifecta of repelling your woman is the actions I call the hummingbird. If you’ve ever seen a hummingbird, you know that they hoover around the feeder in order to get the nourishment they need. And, while this is how hummingbirds feed and is a part of their natural behavior, often, when men find out their women hate them, they begin hoovering around her in order to get the nourishment they have been trained to believe they need.
This has nothing to do with food however and everything to do with how you have been trained to believe that your self-worth is tied into how others view, treat and act towards you. Especially the women in our lives. Nothing could be further from the truth. However, when we get hit upside the head with the 2 x 4 that is our wife hating us, we become even more addicted to any small crumb she happens to throw our way, whether inadvertently or on purpose, which gets us all happy thinking, “Yay! She doesn’t hate me anymore!!!”
Doing this shows her just what a little boy you are. And, while she may love little boys, especially if you have sons together, the LAST thing she wants in a husband is one who flits around her like a love-starved little boy, hovering around her like a hummingbird, waiting for her to throw you a crumb of approval or appreciation.
So, What SHOULD I do Then?
At this point, I think you get the idea of how tiptoeing, trying to become the perfect husband and bringing hummingbird energy to the situation will almost certainly make things worse. So, just what should you do? Well, I’m glad you asked. I’ve made a video about it you can see here.
However, as many of the things you should do will seem foreign, difficult or even downright impossible to do and will, in many cases, seem counter-intuitive or just plain wrong based on society’s view of things, the best thing you can do is fill out this form and schedule a call with me. There’s no cost, no sales pitch and no pressure. I think it’s a call that could very well change your life.
I look forward to hearing from you brothers.