When was the last time you and your wife had sex?
Can’t remember? Days, weeks, months? Longer? Welcome to the dead bedroom.
A dead bedroom is when you’ve stopped having regular sex. Of course, we probably didn’t only used to have sex in the bedroom. In fact, I bet you two used to get it on all over the place. Then, what the hell happened?
We can blame it on lots of things. Kids, jobs, stress, a few extra pounds. Many of us blame it on her. “She’s batshit crazy” is something I hear quite often. Generally, however, there’s one reason behind a dead bedroom. You!
Ouch, that fucking hurts! Yeah, once again the man gets all the blame. Well, it takes two to tango as they say. Or, in this case, it takes two to have sex. However, if you and your lady used to have hot, passionate, wet sex, and often, chances are, you are more at fault for the dead bedroom than she is.
Remember when sex was easy?
Early in the relationship things were new. You were learning about each other and the hormones of meeting someone new were raging. If you met when you were younger, there were no kids and life’s major responsibilities seemed far off.
You made the time you spent together a priority. You courted her, flirted with her and chased her just enough. Just enough to make her interested but not too much to scare her away or bore her. This behavior at the start created polarity. Polarity, like the positive and negative ends of a magnet, is what attracts two people to each other.
Polarity is at the center of sexual attraction. Sexual energy is the strongest energy there is so, when polarity is high, so is the sexual energy. Simple enough to see then how sex was so awesome and often.
Why does the sex die?
However, over the years, polarity gets decreased. This happens naturally, mostly because we allow it to. It doesn’t need to but, we’ll get to that later. It dies mostly because you’re thinking now that you have her, you no longer need to court, flirt or attract her. That’s stinking thinking my man! If it weren’t, you probably wouldn’t be reading an article like this.
In all honesty, there could be many reasons why sex is no longer a priority for the two of you. Life DOES get harder over time with more responsibilities. We can get bored being with the same person over and over again if we make no effort. We can take each other for granted. But, the number one reason sex dies is because you are no longer actively working on creating the polarity that sparks sexual energy. It really is as easy, and as difficult, as that.
Why Sex is so important
Men get the label put on them that they’re nothing but a bunch of sex hungry little boys. Unfortunately, much of the behavior women tell me about only goes to confirm this. However, women also fail to realize that sex plays a different role in long term relationships for men than it does for them.
Men have sex to feel a connection. I remember in my marriage, I thought everything was fine because we were still having awesome, passionate, orgasmic sex. And, we were having it often! I now realize that when my wife stopped, it was because of how I was acting. I was needy. I got pissy when she would say no. I didn’t court, flirt, chase or do anything to make her feel connected to me.
Women, on the other hand, need to feel connected in order to have sex. She was not feeling that connection. Her having sex with me was her way of reaching out to me. She was trying to get me to see her and take care of her needs. But, I was just a happy, greedy, needy little boy who was getting laid so, all was good, right?
Not having sex is certainly a sign that something is off in the relationship. However, it is a symptom and not the cause. You already know what the cause is. If not, here it is again. It’s how you’re showing up in the relationship.
Without sex, a marriage is just a friendship or worse. It becomes a business relationship where you discuss money, logistics and the business of raising your kids. Nothing is less attractive to a woman than being in a relationship like this.
I know what you’re thinking. I’m a good provider. I’m an excellent father. I don’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat. Congratulations, you’re a good man. This is a good start. However, ONLY this is NOT enough to get most women hot for you over the long haul.
How did you “get” your wife in the first place?
Think back to when you saw her for the first time. Maybe it was her smile that attracted you. Perhaps her eyes made you feel like you could see into her soul. The way her hair fell gently on her shoulders made you feel like you couldn’t stay away. Men are visual creatures and are biologically programmed to notice things about a woman’s appearance. Maybe she had a body to die for. And, you were ready, willing and able to sign up for that suicide mission.
Are you now?
Looks change over time. You may still think your wife’s the hottest piece of ass around. Does she know this? Do you show her in any of your actions outside of when you grab that hot ass? Do you flirt, tease, chase, date and do any of the other things you did when you first “got” her?
Houston, we have a problem…
I’m also a realist. I understand life is different now and you can’t do the same things now that you did then. You’re older and probably have more responsibilities. You don’t have the time, energy or space you did “back then.” And, while these are all reasonable excuses, they are just that, excuses.
And, I call bullshit on excuses. Every…single…time.
Are you tired of no sex?
I’m pretty sure I know the answer. Otherwise you wouldn’t still be reading. That’s why you need to get rid of the excuses.
Excuses are for little boys who whine about how unfair it is. Excuses are for needy, greedy men who think once they put a ring on that finger, they’re set. Set for a lifetime of hot, messy sex. Sex they would never need to make any effort for again. They won. They got the prize and that prize came when they said “I do.”
Well it’s that thinking that got you here today. It’s that thinking that makes such a large percentage of couples unsatisfied with their sex lives. So, in order to turn things around, the first thing you need to do is change your thinking.
You need to stop thinking you are “owed” anything. Nobody is owed anything. Especially not in a marriage where the two people involved should be giving all that they can. Sometimes that means you giving 100%. Sometimes she gives more. This is not a game. Stop keeping score.
In the case of creating polarity, if it’s not happening and you’re not happy with it, you have one choice.
Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?
In this case, we’ll take happy to mean having regular sex with your partner. Now, everybody has a different idea of what regular sex is. Some feel it needs to be 3-4 times per week (or more). Some are OK with 1 time per week and some couples are perfectly happy with occasional sex. That means, sex only on big occasions.
What is regular for you is just that, regular for you. However, how often you want to get it on doesn’t change the fact that you need to get back to the man who won over his woman. No, you will almost certainly not be able to do the same things. That’s OK. However, where there’s a will, there’s a way.
That way has to begin by eliminating the bitching and moaning. Stop whining! You cannot blame her for everything. Maybe you ARE right. Maybe it is ALL of those other things. Even if it is, if you knew what to do about it, would you? Would you choose to be happy over not having regular sex?
Well, here’s an idea of what you can do.
Lose the little boy
Let’s start here. This one may be the hardest but, it’s also the most important. Because if she still views you as a needy little boy, nothing else you do will matter.
- Little boys pout when they don’t get sex because their wife has a headache. Men ask her if she would like to be held.
- Little boys sulk when their wife says they’re too tired for sex. Men draw her a warm bath and ask if there’s anything they can do for her.
- Little boys get angry when their sexual advances are met with “not tonight” from their wife. Men move on and say, that’s OK honey.
Now, I’m not saying you need to become her house boy. Not at all. What I am saying is that you absolutely need to stop getting whiny when she says no. You accept her no with the same attitude you would if she said no to a cup of coffee.
Women love sex just as much as men. Yes, read that again if you’ve never heard it. Remember what I wrote before. Women need to feel connected to have sex. They will not feel connected to a partner who acts like a little boy living in a man’s body.
So, what should you do when you stop the little boy behavior and she still won’t have sex? I’m glad you asked.
Bringing the dead bedroom back to life
What can you do to improve your sex life? Too many ways to cover in this article. And, there are so many other articles, tips and other resources out there that I won’t pretend to be the expert. However, many of these tips are rubbish. There is no quick fix, no secret potion or magic spell. It requires work and commitment. Sounds hard? Maybe, but, what’s the option?
Here’s the thing, it CAN be done. How important is it to you? Likely very important or again, you wouldn’t still be reading. Think about other things in your life that were important to you. How much effort was required for you to have achieved those? This is no different though the rewards could be significantly higher.
What would those rewards be? A happier, more connected marriage? Improved relations with your wife? More sex? Yup! All 3!
How can I revive my dead bedroom?
When you’ve gotten the little boy out of the equation, there are many ways to bring the bedroom back to life. As I wrote earlier, there are many tips out there but, you need to focus. The focus is on what YOU can do and have power over. These center around creating polarity, a place for sex to happen and a feeling of safety.
Creating polarity comes naturally when you first meet. You have your life, she has hers. What attracted her to you when you first met? What part of you have you lost or given up over the years? What can you do to find that confident, even slightly cocky man who attracted her in the first place?
Have you lost who you were then? No, you don’t need to recreate him. After all, we learn, grow and change over time. I’m talking specifically about qualities that she would find attractive. Can you rekindle a hobby she thought made you sexy? Can you take up a new one? Often the best way of creating that polarity is finding ourselves again.
We live in a world where romantic comedies tell us we need to find someone else to be complete. Then we need to totally give up who we are to be happy in those relationships. Does that sound right? I need to stop being the person who she fell in love with in order to have a “happily ever after”? That, simply put, is the exact opposite of the truth.
We were complete enough before we met to attract her. Having a hobby, doing things that you love for you and nobody else is attractive. Don’t overdo it. You’re still a part of a partnership and you can’t simply leave all of your responsibilities behind. Communication is important when you will be doing things but, don’t be a dick and things will work out. She’ll like this new you.
Courting and flirting with her
Most men believe they don’t need to court or flirt once they’re married. How has that concept served you so far? Creating polarity gets taken to the next level when you court and flirt.
Do you send her text messages during the day telling her how hot you’re getting thinking about what you want to do to her? Or, do you just come home, have dinner, zone out in front of the TV and then expect her to want to do those things?
It’s said that foreplay begins directly after the last orgasm. While this may be a bit much, foreplay certainly can, and should, begin in the morning. There are too many ways you can court and flirt to go into here. Think about some. If you can’t, get in touch with me.
Make her a priority
Simply thinking “she’s my wife, she will have sex with me” is a guaranteed path to a dead bedroom. She owes you nothing.
What have you done recently to show her that she’s a priority in your life? If the only time you’re showing this is when you want to play naked games, your doomed to having very little or none of those games.
Has she been nagging you to take dancing lessons with her? Does she want to go out to dinner more often? What are your excuses for not doing these things and making time to connect? Again, a woman needs to FEEL connected to want sex. It is YOUR responsibility to create time, place and the energy where that connection can happen. Then, and only then, is it more likely that sex will happen.
Rest in Peace Dead Bedroom
It most likely won’t be easy. Lack of sex is often listed as the number one reason for divorce. If you recognize any of the behaviors in this article as possible reasons for your dead bedroom, there is hope. You CAN change things. It may take time. She will need to trust you again and trust that you are not making these changes just to get into her panties. She will know if you are. How? Well, see what happens if this is the way you choose to move forward.
The dead bedroom is not an easy problem to fix. I don’t want to mislead you. However, it is an easy problem to understand. In case you missed it, here it is in a nutshell.
The reason you “got” the girl in the first place. The reason you had lots of amazing sex early on. AND, the reason you now have a dead bedroom are all the same. It’s because of how you made or are making her feel.
It’s as easy as that.
Want to solve YOUR dead bedroom?
Men I work with often put into play the lessons I teach them only to get something. It’s only when they realize that they need to become a man who lives his life for him do they see real progress. This is a foreign concept for most men. However, it’s one that gets results!
Working with a coach is often one of the best ways to become a man who does get everything he wants out of life. This is what I call an exceptional man. If you want to learn more about how to create this life, click here, fill out and send the form so we can have a no-cost, no-commitment call.
I look forward to hearing from you so we can get to work on reviving your dead bedroom.