5 tips you won’t find in any women’s magazine
If you’re reading this, you’re most likely a man whose marriage is in trouble. You’ve found out, one way or another, that your wife isn’t happy. Maybe she told you she loves you but she’s not IN love with you. Perhaps she says she needs space or has even mentioned divorce. Or, you just want to make sure it doesn’t get to that point!
For the first group of men, you may feel it’s too late. Well, let me tell you that it’s not! For the second. Read on too! These tips will help you all!
It’s never too late!
A wise man I know once said “Divorce is as much a guarantee that you’ll never be together again as marriage was that you’d be together forever.” What this really means is that nothing (almost) is final.
Never too late also means that the things you need to do have nothing to do if the two of you are still married or not. Marriage is not a puzzle or a problem to fix. Marriage is whatever the two of you choose to put into it. For more on that topic, read Marriage is an Empty Box. Thus, what you are putting into your marriage HAS to be the focus. If the marriage is hurting, it’s because the people involved are bringing hurtful things into it. Since you can’t fix or control another person, the only way for you to “fix” your marriage is to change what you are bringing to it.
This is not a step by step plan
Most men like to have a plan. Even if the myth is that we don’t read directions, we like to have a list to follow. Especially for things we feel clueless about. Things like women, relationships, marriage, sex, feminine energy, Ikea furniture. You get my drift.
Yet, I am not going to give you a plan. The items I will list here can be done in any order based on where you are. You will feel comfortable doing some of them directly. Others you won’t. That’s OK. Wait on those till you do! These are changes you make to you. To what you are doing. To how you are acting. And, perhaps the most difficult, to how you are thinking.
Sounds hard? Yup, it CAN be! Especially when we fight new information. Especially when it’s easier to blame her.
You may now be asking, where are the things SHE should work on? I’m sorry. Was this an article on how to get your wife to change? Because I don’t remember typing those words. Almost certainly there is blame to go around for the state of your marriage. Without a doubt, she too may be placing things into the marriage box which are causing strife. There’s a high degree of probability that her actions are not always in the best interests of a harmonious union. But, guess what?! You can’t do one damn thing about that. You can’t change another person. You can’t force anyone else to do what you want. If this sounds harsh, I suggest you read it again. And again…
There is only one person you can change!
Once you stop playing the blame game, you can get to work. Once you quit believing that this is all her fault, you can make a difference. In you! The only thing you can change is you. Will this change the dynamics of the relationship? One person consistently placing goodwill into the marriage will change the dynamics of the relationship. Will that be enough to “fix” or “save” it? That’s a question that’s impossible to answer.
Many men will stop reading here.
And most men will whine and bitch and moan about how unfair it is and continue to suffer in a subpar marriage. They will get served divorce papers or do the serving. And, once single, they will do the same exact things in a new relationship. Make the same mistakes. They will end up again in a subpar relationship. They will once again place all the blame on to their partner.
Here is the truth about why YOU need to step up
Besides you only having the power to change you, there is a HUGE reason why you need to be the one to step up. It’s called biology. I’m a huge supporter of women having equal opportunities to men. In education, careers and more. However, I’m also a staunch believer that men and women are biologically different. And I’m SO thankful for that!
Masculine and feminine energy feed off of each other. They are different and, at their core, are polar opposites. When a man isn’t comfortable in his own skin. When he’s not OK with his own masculine core, it’s hard for a feminine woman to feel comfortable with him. No, there are no absolutes and this is a topic for a series of blogs or even a book. But, it’s important for you to know that YOU need to step up and take responsibility for your behavior. When you do, chances are your woman can begin to feel more comfortable around you. Notice I said, “feel.” This is key because women are (generally) the feeling sex.
You can set the tone in the relationship where she can feel comfortable being her feminine self. And then, my friend, you’re in for a treat. Because what we love most about women are the gifts they give when they’re comfortably in their feminine state. It is YOUR job to create this space.
I probably just lost another 50% of the readers.
Well, it’s time you learned the truth. There is a reason women initiate 70+% of all divorces.
But, I’m not here to place the blame for all divorce on to men. No, that’s not the case at all. We simply don’t know what we don’t know. The tips for “fixing” your marriage below will be a lesson in how you can show up in your marriage to minimize the chances it will end in divorce. Notice I didn’t guarantee anything. Nobody can guarantee they can fix a marriage. And, if someone does, you should run fast in the opposite direction. You have met a modern-day snake oil salesman.
What SHOULD you do?
1. Stop trying to fix your marriage
Wait? What the hell?!?! The article was on what to do to fix my marriage. Now you’re telling me not to? No, I’m telling you to stop trying to fix something that is not fixable. By all means, make changes. Become kinder. Get more attentive. Become a more attractive man.
But those things are not done to “fix” anything. They’re done because you are becoming the kind of man who places those things into his marriage. Only then can a marriage become something neither of you feels needs fixing.
Remember when I said you can only change you? If you are trying to fix a marriage, you are trying to fix something that has 2 parts. Wrong strategy.
Focus on you and you alone. When you do, you increase your chances of creating a marriage that has more positive things placed into it than negative. That increases the chances of having a positive marriage!
2. Watch YOUR energy!
Uh oh, here comes the woo-woo part. Well, no. Energy isn’t some far-out concept. It’s something we bring to every situation in life.
In short, you can bring many kinds of energy to your relationship. However, we’ll break it into 2 kinds. Attractive. Attraction killing. Guess which one you need to start learning how to bring to your relationship on a consistent basis?
Attractive energy is calm, confident and steady. It is not rattled by external sources, least of all her feminine energy or her current mood. You may be moaning, but what about when she’s a bi**h? Yup, even then. Most men assume, incorrectly, that when their woman is in a bad mood, it’s about him. Guess what? Most of the time it’s not. Believe that it’s possible that she’s pissed off about something and you just happened to be there for her to vent to.
How do you normally react when this happens? Do you get defensive? Do you get angry back? Do you get all quiet? I’m not saying to be a doormat (see tip 3), but your mood has nothing to do with hers. Unless you allow it to be so. How attractive are you when you get into a bad mood just because she is? I don’t think I need to write the answer to that question.
3. Don’t be or stop being a doormat!
One of the most common reasons a woman finds her man unattractive is that he has become a doormat. Time after time I read that a woman has become completely repulsed by her wishy-washy man. Her man who allows her to run all over him. Her man who’s bought into the myth of “happy wife, happy life.” Why is that a myth? Take a look at that video next!
By all means, do things to make your wife happy. Wouldn’t you do this for anyone in your life you care about? The problem with HWHL is that most men abdicate their own pursuit of happiness to cater to hers. Man, I can’t stress enough how unattractive this is.
Take care of yourself first. Self-care is NOT selfish. When you are not happy, what are the odds you can do things for others to help them be happy? Nobody is in charge of another person’s happiness. But you can certainly add to her happiness cart. Only after looking after your own though. That leads to tip 4.
4. Get a life!
What was it that was attractive about you when you two first met? Was it because you sat around all day waiting on her? Only doing things with her? Only doing the things she wanted to do when she wanted to do them? Probably not.
You probably had things in your life that she wasn’t a part of. Interests you did because you loved them! Things you spent time on because, you guessed it, they made you happy. Hopefully, you had other guy friends to hang out with. Having other men in your life is even more crucial now.
So, here comes the moaning again. “But I didn’t have a house and kids and this killer job back then” you’re thinking. No, you didn’t. Even more reason to find things that fill you up. I am NOT saying to abandon your family and forget your responsibilities. I’m NOT saying to go out six nights a week playing in a local band. However, if you loved playing the guitar, play the damn guitar. You can play it at home. You can jam here and there with another “dad band.” There are ways you can still be a devoted family man and maintain your interests.
In fact, I would say that you maintaining your interests will make you a better dad and husband than if you didn’t. It’s about balance and it is attractive.
5. Stop expecting anything in return.
Now this one is sure to get massive amounts of eye-rolling. However, it also could be the most important.
Relationships are a place where we go to give. Huh?! You may have heard that before but thought it was just a bunch of bull. It’s not. Giving is why you are in a relationship. When you give without expectation of getting in return, you are placing the best possible items into your marriage box. This is because you are doing so with no expectations.
So, if relationships are a place to give, doesn’t that mean that she should be giving too. Yes! This time I can agree with you. However, consider the things you’ve learned in this article. Women are amazing at giving when they are in a place where they feel comfortable in their feminine energy. It’s one of the great things about feminine energy.
Remember whose job it was to create that space for her to be comfortably in her feminine energy? Yours! So, when you unconditionally give, you create an environment for her to as well. This is NOT tit for tat! If you are behaving like her child, she will have no feelings for you as a romantic partner. She will not want to give her gifts to you. This is on you!
What if things don’t change?
This is a good question. You can do everything I mention here and things still may not change. She may stay distant, angry and cold. In fact, many women do. But many don’t. If you have consistently made these changes. If you are giving from a place of love. If you are showing up as a man and not her little boy and things don’t change, you then have a choice.
It is NOT an easy one. Take a look at this video about how to know when to end a marriage. It may help you with your answer. It’s one of my most watched. For a reason.
Is there anything else I can do?
I could have very easily made this article 10 or 20 tips. There are many things you can do to place more positive things into your marriage box. Be on the lookout for part 2 of this post. If you’re interested in reading that when it comes out, subscribe to my mailing list here. You can also reach out to me for a no-cost, no-commitment one on one call where we can discuss this in detail.